My thumping heart is full of you
Tho' I do not know,
So does it matter
That my brain is emptying me
Into black holes?
You tell me to sleep. How can I sleep?
My restless feet follow you. I walk the streets and my toes blister but I cannot find you.
My bemused hands reach out to you tho' I cannot touch you because I do not know you.
On waking I am shocked to be so intimately close to a stranger and
Annoyed that you should leave with no farewell.
I pace and cannot eat
And repeat some words that matter.
My body aches with an inexplicable emptiness,
Which finally absorbs me into exhausted sleep.
My fingers weave their way around the threads of dreams and all is calm.
You lie next to me.
And I am nearer to finding you.
I am surprised to see that you are
Working at the checkout in Sainsbury's
And at teatime, serving me coffee in town.
I smile at you
But then I cry because I am afraid
Because I am lost
Because I am trying to find you.
My lips move and shape your name
But what sound to speak?
I say 'blurr'
And my child laughs.
I rummage for a tissue,
And it is my dead mother who weeps.
She quietly moves towards me
Arms wide and smelling of such simple things.
My world is leaving,
I am a tightly curled new-born
With strange and ancient images
Dancing somewhere deep.
Return me to the womb
Bind me in your love,
And nourish me.
Whilst absence takes up his tenancy
It is only you who can comfort me.